PDA with ADHD

Try not to pressure me

Flares up my ADHD

Called P D A

Kicks in & takes me away

Pathological Demand Avoidance

its a thing

Turns a "want to do"

Into a "HAVE to do it" thing

Sets expectations I cant be late

Starts sensations theres a lot at stake

Gotta stay in control

Cos if I dont, then I dont get to go

Its not that I dont care

Its the opposite, I swear

I worry I'll fail

Pressure intensifies focus on that 1 detail

Cant be late Cant be late cant be late!

That creates

Crippling anxiety causes me to make mistakes

To calm my nerves I dissociate

Auto pilot distract & procrastinate

Top priority is now these things I have to do

& now I cant find my keys or my shoe

Most of all I always have to

Before I go anywhere I use the loo

1st stone of stress

My head & getting dressed

2nd 1 is you waiting ages & Im still a mess

Theres still heaps to do, stone 3

That turbo charges anxiety

& stone 4 takes our simple coffee

& now its too much for me

Im now an hour late

Stomach hurts feel sick Im in pain

Too tired & emotionally drained

Can't stop thinkin Im always to blame

Sinks me deep into shame

So I push you away so I'll be ok

Stop the pain & my constant ache

Silence the voices in my head that say

Things so cruel an evil hate

Im so fuckin mad

that I am

This way

Here's why

Its so maddening

I'll be focused finally

On a task I been needing

to get done but was entirely

Dependent on me

To control my ADHD

& anythin stoppin me

Or distracts me

Deactivates

& unmotivates

Reactivates me to procrastinate

Its a miracle that only

happens sporadically

In alignment of motivation, time & energy

Focus, life's schedule & most of all

- money

1 less on my list only took a year

That weight was becoming too much to bear

Moment passes next heaviest there

The struggle for time for me to repair

Been almost 3 years since Ive had proper self care

Life in the pressure valve everyday every week

Is the biggest hurdle I need to beat

Till I can stop PDA ruling me

& the I hate myself rage fueling me

1 side is my shame

The other is self blame

Angers the referee of the game

& since my friends & family have gone

Gotta do it alone

On my own

My health shit, my ADHD

As well as my responsibilities

& there it is, back to the beginning

the loop Im stuck in - complete

& on repeat

I cant stop it though

so around again I go

(Its like)

Domino's in a line

Branching off into 9

1 goes

Then 2 more

Butterfly effect triggers the vine

Just wanna see how it all unwinds

Cant watch all at one time

So gotta run back & forth, quick!

Anything in the way better move otherwise its

Tick tick

(Boom)

Instant explosion!

Rage at you or sink into

hysterical emotion

If it was your fault

my wrath will unleash a jolt

The dark 1s destruction

Shows the intensity of disruption

Of a moment gone forever

Can't get it back ever

& now I gotta save

That person bein destroyed by my rage

Ill ignore & take space

My boundaries exist so

If I lose control

I won't destroy you

& devour your soul