Crippled Bells (Warehouse Hell)

[Verse 1 – “Dashing through the snow” rhythm]
Dashing through the rows,
On a busted pallet jack,
My scanner’s outta juice,
And my spine just gave a crack—HEY!
Steel toes in the grime,
Forklifts flying by,
I slipped on tape, fell on my face,
And watched my soul say bye—YEE!

[Chorus – loud, chaotic, everyone yelling]
Crippled bells, crippled bells,
Back pain every day!
Oh what fun it is to haul
Your Christmas crap this way—HEY!
Crippled bells, crippled bells,
Ankles blown in two,
We can’t walk or bend or lift,
But hey—our quota’s due!

[Verse 2 – faster, absurd energy]
Wrapping paper rain,
The air smells like despair,
Supervisor screaming loud,
“I don’t care if you can’t bear!”
Snow falls on the dock,
It’s freezing through my soul,
Someone dropped a fifty-pound box,
And called it “worker’s goal!”

[Chorus – louder and more chaotic]
Crippled bells, crippled bells,
Osha who? No clue!
We deck the halls with broken knees,
And caffeine number two—HEY!
Crippled bells, crippled bells,
Spines that twist and creak,
I sneezed once, tore a tendon,
Haven’t sat in weeks!

[Bridge – short spoken bit]
🎙 “Attention crew: management would like to remind you that fatigue is a mindset.
Pain is temporary—shipping is forever.”

[Verse 3 – “Can’t walk anymore” section]
Can’t feel my legs,
They clocked out before me,
I’m limping like a Christmas ghost,
Through aisle forty-three!
The box says “fragile,”
But so am I tonight,
If I bend once more, I might explode—
That’d be a festive sight!

[Final Chorus – everyone shouting off-key]
Crippled bells, crippled bells,
Spines in candy canes,
We’ll hobble home on frozen knees,
And do it all again—HEY!
Crippled bells, crippled bells,
Warehouse full of cheer,
We can’t walk, but we can scan—
Merry Christmas here!


---

“Fast, upbeat Christmas parody, comedy holiday song, sleigh bells, choirs, chaotic and fun like Jingle Bells”