I need..

Wanna take each day

as it comes cos when I do I stay authentic & positive

Even in fear Im true to me im congruent

& fluid

Fluent with nuance & flow into it

I allow for presence

& NOT performance

From aiming too far beyond

what Im not capable of

on the day due to the unknown of

how I feel in my body cos

My A.D.H.D

& my C.P.T.S.D are complex

Gives me that inner hot mess complex

That gets

Nothin that'll

Earn a medal

I just

suffer in silence

So influenced

By external factors

like others ignorance

Triggers my body into defense

Hense this

unless I shrink

& be less

I think

They'll leave me

Which doesn't make sense

But I stay

hidden away

Cos that way

I stay safe

& so I wait

In my room all day

The only room I can control & feel ok

taking the lead of me

For the majority

But sometimes I do need somebody

Cos my brain goes

Into game mode

tryin to beat

level 800 maximum difficulty

Leavin me

Always trailing

Feeling the more I try

Is why

I keep on failing

My body screaming

For autonomy

I been needing

to finally

Get the time to rest to gain my strength back

To rise strong

Full on

& get back on track

Wanna let go

of feeling like I gotta hold

it all together alone

& accept it is what it is

Im not broken just sick

Nobody's fault im like this

Ask for help

Reach out

Call myself out

own my shit

growl at myself if I need it

Then its motivational speech time

Usually I'll say along these lines

Hey you know how this works

Show up how you can while thrown the worst by the universe.

Dont forget its a test

to see if you choose to rest

Or you choose the loop

Another round to get that lesson to land

That means you gotta

Go on a little longer,

Talk it out, write a song

Make a plan

So I wrote a song

To help understand

How to efficiently help me - Sam

I need

Some guilt free

Fear free time to rest,

Or do whatever i choose to invest

My time into

& to know

What I choose

isn't gonna be used

As a reason the kids lose

Time with their dad

Simply cos

he views

my choice as 'bad'

I need availability

For my body

To fully give in to

Surrender so love can get through

Spend less

time in stress

Instead

Create more

Sing out loud more

From the souls core

Lyrics devouring

Empowering

motivates & energizes me

Inspires me

Or it might

make me

Wanna cry

Tears of joy

Or grief

Layers of things

Come up from underneath

Brings lotsa stuff up for me

I need to calmly breathe

& process without worry

I gotta hurry

Cos the kids need me there

Like every day has been the last 2 years.

Wish my other crap would fuck off

& maybe then Id stop

falling into the trap

Of looping & the patterns that

Keep taking me round n round & around round all around

Distracting me

Away from my dreams being seen

Being found

& my higher purpose

Journey

Triggers the nervous

Systems learning

Well im hopeful

This time will be the final

Btch & moan

Haha

I know i know

Being like this

I get so embarrassed

I hope it motivates me

To do better

& not stay stuck here forever

Cos fuck that!

So c'mon

Lets go!

Yea

Its on!