Something Wrong With Me

There's something wrong with me that I can't explain
Something broken in the wiring of my brain
That makes me sabotage the things I love the most
Push away the people I should hold the closest
I don't know why I am the way I am
Why I burn down every bridge with my own hands
Then stand in the ashes wondering what happened
When I'm the one who lit the match

I wake up every morning with the best intentions
Tell myself today will be different, today I'll be better
Today I won't let my demons take the wheel
Today I'll be the man she deserves to feel
Safe with, proud of, certain about
But by midnight I've given her another reason to doubt
Everything I promised, everything I swore
And I hate myself a little more than before

Why can't I just be normal like everybody else
Why does my mind have to fight against itself
One side wants to love her right, give her everything
The other side is terrified of what that means
So I push before she can pull away first
I hurt before I can feel the hurt
It's protection that destroys what it's trying to protect
And I'm so tired of being my own biggest threat

She looks at me with eyes that still believe
That somewhere underneath this mess is someone worth keeping
And that faith breaks me more than her anger ever could
Because I want to be that man, God I wish I could
Just flip a switch and turn off whatever this is
This thing inside that ruins every moment of bliss
That whispers I don't deserve it so I prove it true
By doing the exact thing I swore I'd never do

I've sat in rooms with people trying to fix me
Taken pills that made me numb but never free
Read the books, said the prayers, did the work
And still I find myself face down in the dirt
Wondering if this is just who I am forever
If fighting myself is a war that ends never
If the people who love me would be better off gone
Before I drag them down to where I've always belonged

But she stays and I don't understand why
How she can watch me fail and still try
To see the good in someone who keeps showing bad
To love the man who keeps making her sad
Maybe she's broken too in ways I can't see
Maybe that's why she understands this part of me
Or maybe she sees something I never could
That underneath the damage there's still something good

I'm not making excuses for the pain I've caused
I own every tear, every moment she's lost
Believing in someone who keeps letting her down
But I need her to know that I'm still trying to be found
Still fighting this thing even when I lose
Still choosing her even when my mind wants to choose
Destruction over peace, isolation over love
I'm still reaching for the light from the darkness I'm made of

Something's wrong with me but I'm still here
Still fighting, still failing, still drowning in fear
But still loving her with everything I've got
Even when everything I've got doesn't feel like a lot

Strong R&B ballad,powerful soulful male vocals, lush strings and violins emotional builds, smooth harmonies, cinematic