The Devil Kicked Me Out (Said I Lowered Property Value)

Got a pink slip taped to my door, signed in red ink pen

Said "your tenancy is terminated, effective 10 AM"

I laughed and took it down to the front desk, asked what I did wrong

The demon said "you're not a sinner, pal — you're just a pain to get along with"

The devil kicked me out, said I lowered property value

Said my jokes were bad for morale, said my singing was a hassle

Said "hell's supposed to be punishment, but you're treatin' it like a saloon"

So he opened up the ceiling tile and kicked me to the moon

Well, not the moon — a ditch somewhere outside of New Haven

But I landed on my feet this time, and that's the part worth braggin'

I asked to speak to management, they said "you're lookin' at him"

The devil came out in a bathrobe, lookin' tired and real thin

He said "I've had demons quit because of you. I've had imps request transfers.

You asked the catering staff to play 'Wagon Wheel' for three hours. In four-part harmony. Backwards."

The devil kicked me out, said I lowered property value

Said my jokes were bad for morale, said my singing was a hassle

Said "hell's supposed to be punishment, but you're treatin' it like a saloon"

So he opened up the ceiling tile and kicked me to the moon

Well, not the moon — a ditch somewhere outside of New Haven

But I landed on my feet this time, and that's the part worth braggin'

He said "you're not evil enough for the fire pits and not nice enough for the cold snaps.

You're just... annoying."

I told him that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

He threw a pitchfork at my head. Missed. Hit a cherub.

Cherub went down hard.

...anyway.

The devil kicked me out and honestly? I'm grateful

Hell was full of damp basements and a jukebox that was hateful

So save your fire and your brimstone, keep your lakes of burning tar

I'll take a ditch in New Haven

Over being where you are

Now where's my guitar...