The Sinking of the Heavy Lasses

(Verse 1)
We staggered from the tavern with a wobble in our knees,
A-looking for some company to sail the seven seas!
But the beauties on the jetty were a terrifying sight,
They were built like heavy frigates and as broad as they were bright!
Old Barnaby, the drunkard, said, "They’re sturdy and they’re grand!"
As they stepped into our rowboat with a ton of shifting sand!
(Verse 2)
The wood began to grumble and the gunwale started low,
As the ladies took their seating for the jolly trip and go!
My darling had a backside like a bale of hay,
When she sat upon the thwart, the rivets started to give way!
"Sit steady!" hollered Barnaby, a-clinging to the oar,
While the water started bubbling through the cracks upon the floor!
(Verse 3)
We weren't a cable's length away before disaster struck,
The boat gave out a groan and then we ran clean out of luck!
The girls began to giggle and they gave a little hop,
And the ocean came a-pouring through the bottom and the top!
We went down like a cannonball, a-splashing in the brine,
With forty stone of womanhood a-clinging to my spine!
(Verse 4)
The Captain’s on the quarterdeck a-watching with a glass,
To see us treading water with a giant-sized lass!
Old Barnaby was gasping as he went beneath the swell,
Caught inside a corset like a ringing diving bell!
Next time we go a-courting and we’re looking for a thrill,
We’ll find some girls who don’t require a naval towing bill!
(Verse 5)
Then a garbage barge came drifting with a smell of rotting fish,
And the skipper hauled us upward like a giant stinking dish!
The ladies climbed the netting and they nearly broke the crane,
While Barnaby was puking from the effort and the strain!
Now we’re shoveling the offal just to pay for passage home,
The sorriest four sailors to ever sail the foam!

Gravelly lead, beer-clinking percussion, boisterous male choir, raw vocal texture, seafaring humor