“Tonight I Stay the Gun”

The room feels smaller when the night comes down

Thoughts get loud when there’s no one around

I’ve memorized the cracks in the ceiling again

Every “what if” feels heavier than “when”

I tell myself I’m tired, not weak

But tired’s a word that don’t let me sleep

I’ve walked this edge more times than I’ll say

Stared down the dark like it knew my name

Tonight I stay the gun

I stay my hand, I stay right here

Even if I don’t see the sun

Even if the pain don’t disappear

I don’t call it hope, I call it breath

One more second stealing time from death

Tonight I stay the gun

People say it gets better like it’s guaranteed

Like tomorrow signed a deal with me

They don’t hear the war inside my chest

Where living feels harder than the rest

But there’s a voice buried under the noise

Says “you’ve survived every night before”

I ain’t brave, I’m just not done

There’s still a war and I’m still one

Tonight I stay the gun

I stay my hand, I stay alive

Even if I don’t feel strong

Even if I’m just getting by

I don’t need answers, I don’t need a sign

Just one reason not to cross that line

Tonight I stay the gun

Maybe tomorrow ain’t fixed yet

Maybe my story ain’t over

Maybe the fact that I’m still here

Means the pain don’t own me forever

I think of names I couldn’t leave behind

Faces that would break if I said goodbye

So I sit with the hurt

Let it pass like a wave

I don’t have to win

I just have to stay

Tonight I stay the gun

I choose the ache over the end

I choose the fight, I choose the mess

I choose to try again

If living’s just an act of defiance

Then let this be my violence

Tonight I stay the gun

If tomorrow comes quiet, I’ll meet it then

But tonight…

Tonight I stay