Between Beats

They think survival ends at surgery.

Like the danger stayed on the table.

But my heart remembers.

Every beat every second.

Chest tight, breath short, I can’t ignore it

Pulse racing, veins screaming, I assess it

Doctors talk in measured tones, I hear the countdown

Every silence a warning don’t let it drown

I’ve been here before, three times, stitched and wired

Heart wired for panic, but I’m required

To function, to stand, to act like it’s normal

But my heartbeat’s orchestra feels too formal

Every monitor beeps like a memory

Every breath’s a question will it let me be?

I’m awake, I’m alive, but I’m listening

To the pulse that’s been quietly threatening

I live between beats now

Counting seconds, counting signs

Every breath feels borrowed

Every calm is compromised

They say “you’re lucky,” I nod along

But my body still hums the fight

I survived the cut, the scar, the fall

But fear still checks my pulse at night

Three surgeries behind me, scars like tattoos

Every twinge, every ache, every bruise

I map my body like it’s enemy territory

Heartbeat’s a warning, not just a story

I calculate pain, I memorize patterns

Every flex, every shift, every sudden battering

I don’t panic I negotiate logic

Every second alive feels almost mythic

I don’t rest, I replay every heartbeat like it’s a threat

Every twinge, every stab, every second I can’t forget

Pulse spikes like alarms, veins screaming, I assess

Every motion feels critical can’t afford a misstep

I archive pain like data, label it “later”

Body remembers trauma, mind negotiates danger

Luck isn’t enough, it’s discipline in disguise

I survived the cut, the scar, the chaos in my eyes

Every calm feels rented, every smile conditional

Functioning’s my armor, survival’s habitual

They say I’m strong convenient narrative

Strength was the only way to stay unshatterable

I don’t fear death I fear uncertainty

If today’s the day, my body won’t agree

I survived the cut, survived the stitch

But peace is a shadow just out of reach

I live between beats now

Still standing, still aware

They celebrate survival

But I live inside the care

I don’t need miracles

Just time that doesn’t rush

Let my heart keep learning

That it’s allowed to trust

They say I’m lucky to be alive.

I agree.

I just wish my body knew it too.