[Intro – Spoken] Tonight on absolutely nobody’s request we investigate the legend, the myth, the politician who moisturizes with beef jerky: Krispy Gnome. [Verse 1] Krispy Gnome walks in with a face made of tan like a handbag left too long on a radiator stand and people stop and stare like “Is that skin alive?” and she says “It’s premium leather” even though it’s barely survived, with a smile stapled tight like she fought the sun and lost, while rumors spread across the state asking if she really punted a dog or if it’s just mythological gossip the world may never confirm. [Chorus] Oh Krispy Gnome queen of the melting tan running her kingdom like a three-legged van raising money for charities nobody’s seen with names like Help the Invisible Beans and every time she moves a single dime a new mysterious nonprofit appears overnight as if summoned from the shadows. [Verse 2] She’s got a charity list that reads like a fever dream with the Foundation for Lost Socks the Institute of Screaming the Honorary Society of Nobody Asked and the Coalition for Pretending We’re Doing Tasks all filed with crayons and glue with signatures that say Approved by Me and Me Agrees Too while even her accountant whispers “Girl these are lies.” [Pre-Chorus] She takes selfies beside massive flags but the only thing waving back is disappointment while people ask where the money goes and she answers Into the Future which is code for You Will Never Know. [Chorus] Oh Krispy Gnome queen of the melting tan driving her collapsing sedan collecting grants like a hobby then funnelling them into Charity Number Twelve while her face dries the desert and even a cactus mutters “Ma’am you are a fire hazard buyer.” [Bridge] She says charity starts at home meaning her porch her shed her mailbox her chrome and the post office asks what on earth all this pretend mail is while money spins in cosmic circles like she tried doing math but the calculator gave up and that legendary dog story gets told at sleepovers in whispers though it’s mostly myth even if nobody trusts her near Fido. [Final Chorus] Oh Krispy Gnome queen of the melting leather face running bizarre programs all over the place founding groups like the Society of Chairs and the National Alliance of Extremely Vague Affairs and reigning as the master of the nonprofit Twilight Zone where nonsense is art and her sizzling barbecue-looking face is the masterpiece. [Outro] And so the legend continues: Krispy Gnome the woman the myth the skincare catastrophe may your face someday cool down.