Darklight house

My scars that'll

Be with me through all'a my battles

where Im trapped & blind

Its dark I cant find light

No Dad & No mum

Nobody to come

Show me the way to my Lighthouse

Its on me to make it

So please

Try to be patient

I believe

The nasty things

people always say to me

They replay all day

In my head

I wish I was dead

But Im stuck in a bed

Suffering

all'a these

mental disabilities

& my demons making up stories

For me

That remind me Im not good enough

& I'm too much to love

Its all my fault & I'm to blame

Im the reason my mum gave me away

The war I fight everyday inside

Not an excuse its some insight why

I cant always see

When I treat

You badly

My wires are slightly wired

Differently

Most people learned to create

A pathway that takes you straight

Back to your home base

your inner lighthouse place

9 months inside your mother

she was your guide when you bonded after

Which forged your Instinctual sense

Now & forever is your reference

Of what & who is safe

Anytime & Always

10 days old my new family

Came & adopted me

Disconnected from my guide

Made my lighthouse harder to find

A little baby

No idea of safety

instincts now linked

to always think

I need survival mode on constantly

24/7 High alert

Gotta be so I dont get hurt

Now my Hypervigilance

Is my resilience

Always lookin round me

body's screamin so loudly

danger! WATCH OUT

Then logic kicks in & says I'm home, safe & sound

I gotta re-route

Whats felt

& not trust it

shut down intuition & trust logic

When you think thats not your mum or dad

You dont understand

Cos they arent the 1 who had

You growing inside

The smell isnt right

& You look nothin alike

HER! she smells that way

& you both look the same

But shes Always leaving me

I gotta stay believing

My reality

& i am safe here with my family.

Suddenly

Outta nowhere

There was a boy here

We looked quite similar

He seemed so familiar

half brother

Same mother but different father

I felt more accepted

Less likely to get rejected

Now when people stare at me sayin how neat

Bein adopted must be

He'll be here

& understand the damage & grief

inside me

Cos I always have to be

grateful

Not able

To grieve the life

Id never meet

Noone understood

Or ever could

So I wanted my

Brother & me

To be like

a real family

But Sadly

He'd been in foster care

& he learned stuff there

Then he taught me

things a 4 year old shouldnt see

It ruined me

& He was supposed to be my safety

But now hes my bodys enemy!

& I couldnt tell any body

Cos he said that he would choke me

He showed me & proved he wasnt joking

3 decades I stayed quiet

& Now not gonna hide it

I need to find out

The way to my lighthouse

So I stop triggering my shit

Thats makin it

Way Harder to navigate

& regulate the empty space

Thats supposed to be safe

& grounding

Not an empty surrounding

When I found it

Lights were out

But it was mine

My Dark Lighthouse