Functioning

They say it’s in the past.

Funny how the past still wakes me up first.

Before the light.

Before my name.

I don’t raise my voice, I sharpen it instead

Silence taught me power, not everything is said

Learned how to disappear inside a crowded space

Fold myself smaller just to feel safe

I don’t call it trauma, I call it design

Every instinct fire forged, every boundary mine

You say I’m cold but I learned restraint

Soft got punished, so I educated pain

I read intentions faster than you read my face

I don’t open doors wide, I let ’em crack in place

If I look calm, you don’t know the fee

That composure’s built from anxiety

I keep my pain organized

Labeled, stacked, and sterilized

If I control it, it won’t control me

That’s the deal my fear sold me

I wake up tired of surviving

Still breathing, but I’m not thriving

If this is life why’s it violent

Even quiet nights sound like sirens

I don’t heal, I just delay it

Stay moving so I don’t unpack it

Trauma talks, I stay compliant

Still here… but not defiant

I don’t trust peace, it feels staged

Silence makes my heartbeat race

Love feels sharp, like something primed

I flinch at touch, I freeze at kind

You say I’m strong, that’s convenient

You didn’t pay the price to be it

Calm is costly, fear’s expensive

Strength wasn’t built, it was defensive

I don’t rest, I rehearse every worst-case motion

Run scenarios till panic sounds like devotion

Archive pain, label later, call it control

Survival’s just living with half a soul

Every smile feels rented, calm feels conditional

Healing looks pretty when damage is invisible

I don’t collapse, I fracture strategic

Functioning’s control but it bleeds if you squeeze it

I don’t want memories erased

I want them quiet

I don’t want closure

I want it to stop choosing me

I wake up still negotiating

With a mind that keeps escalating

I’m not cured, I’m concentrated

Every breath feels calculated

Still alive, don’t celebrate it

I exist… I don’t escape it

They ask if I’m okay.

I say, “I’m functioning.”

That’s the closest word I’ve got.