Recursive

I keep rebuilding conversations

Long after everybody leaves

Editing the past like footage

Trying to find what ruined me

Every version of the future

Died quietly behind my eyes

Now I live inside repetitions

Like a machine learning to cry

⸻

There’s a room inside my head

Where unfinished people speak

All the selves I failed becoming

Watching me when I can’t sleep

They whisper through the ventilation

Through fluorescent midnight air

Saying:

“You were supposed to become someone.”

⸻

And it keeps looping

Looping

Every memory deforms

Every choice becomes a hallway

Leading back to what I mourn

I don’t know if I am changing

Or dissolving gradually

But the person I imagined

Feels more real than me

⸻

Sometimes I stare into reflections

Waiting for a slight delay

Like my face might separate from me

And finally drift away

Everybody else looks normal

Like they learned some secret code

While I dissect every sentence

Till meaning overloads

⸻

Maybe identity is only

Accumulated damage

Maybe consciousness

Was never built

To survive itself

⸻

Still it keeps looping

Through my nervous system

Like electricity with nowhere left to go

And every year I recognize myself less

But feel myself more

Like something underneath the personality

Finally waking up

I feel myself more… feel myself more

I feel myself more…doubting myself more