Been meaning to2

I’ve been meaning to do a lot.
But meaning
ain’t movement.
It's like coloring,
without the lines.
I’ve got half-written songs,
and half-cleaned rooms.
That half-eaten leftovers,
I swear,
I’ll eat those soon.
There’s a to-do list,
in my head—
that is always
laughing at me,
in colorful
Post-it notes.
Been meaning
to clean.
To care more.
To finish.
To be better.
To feel enough to start.
I told myself
I’d wash that.
I’d check in.
I’d apologize.
I’d deal with my problems.
Yet—
they seem so full of life.
Don't they have better
things to do?
Same as me.
I ain’t lazy,
I’m just layered.
Worn down.
Stagnant.
Moving like a forgotten thought
inside a cluttered room.
Been meaning to,
and I still do.
But “meaning”,
don’t carry weight
like it used to.
Just like,
"I got you".
"Don't trip",
"I'm here".
But where's the follow up?
Sorry,
I've been meaning to,
walk out the front door
of my own skin.
I wake up and reset
but never reboot.
Even my prayers
got a loading screen.
And some nights,
I scroll more than I sleep—
like maybe I’ll find
a version of me
that made it through.
My mirror’s just a witness
to all the promises
I postponed.
Like:
I’ll try again tomorrow.
I’ll be better next month.
I’ll grow.
I’ll call.
I’ll show.
But I’m stuck
between who I was
and the ghost of who I wanna be.
There’s still love in here,
buried under the dust.
Still versions of me
waiting for updates
that never come.
So yeah,
I’ve been meaning to—
to become.
To rebuild.
To rise.
But first,
I gotta forgive the parts of me
that never got the memo.
It's time for me,
to get things moving,
Once again.
Even if it’s slow.
Even if I pause mid-step.
Even if “done”
looks a lot like “still trying.”

Post-grunge, dark country, retrosynthwave, male