Who Brought the Condoms and Crabs

Intro – Both, sing-talking in unison with party vibe]:

(♂️) “The sun’s too hot—”

(♀️) “—your shirt’s too small!”

(♂️) “Your bikini’s missing half, that’s all!”

(♀️) “Don’t blame me, I came to slay—”

(♂️) “And you made three lifeguards run away!”

Yo, I got sunscreen on my nose and snacks in my pants

Forgot my trunks but I still dance

My floatie’s a unicorn — yeah, I’m that bold

But your cousin’s staring like I just struck gold

You cannonballed straight into my drink

Now my cocktail’s salty — what do you think?

You brought beach balls but dropped your drawers

Guess “moonrise” came early — applause, applause!

[Chorus – Both, energetic]:

🎵 Hot sand, cold drinks, makin’ poor decisions!

Shake it like ya lost all inhibitions!

Beach bods, tan lines, vibes so sketchy—

Someone call Mom, ‘cause this party’s too edgy! 🎵

She’s got shades like an anime villain, it’s true

Sippin’ on boba like, “Step on me, senpai, ooh~”

You winked at me — I thought I might melt

But you just wanted fries from the bag on my belt

You flirt like your brain’s on airplane mode

You asked my age, then handed me a cheat code?!

I’m spicy like takoyaki in July

But you’re just ramen with no sauce, dry guy 😏

[Chorus – Both, even louder!]:

🎵 Hot sand, cold drinks, questionable behavior!

Lube up that boogie board, ride like a sailor!

Crabs on the shore, and no one’s classy—

My tan lines say “WOW,” yours say “trashy!” 🎵

[Bridge – spoken ad-libs with beat drop]:

(♂️) [in mock-serious tone] “This sunscreen tastes funny…”

(♀️) [laughing] “That’s whipped cream, baka!”

(♂️) “Oops—now my chest is dessert.”

(♀️) “You are a snack… just expired.”

[airhorn sound] 📣 “AYYYOOOO!”

[Final Chorus – both harmonizing like an anime ending theme but unhinged]:

🎵 Hot sand, cold drinks, no regrets allowed!

We’re the weirdest duo on this beachy crowd!

Sunburned hearts and a slightly illegal tan—

Catch us in jail... or OnlyFans! 🎵

[Outro – Both, breathless laughing]:

(♀️) “So... same time next summer?”

(♂️) “Only if the police let us back!”

(♀️) “Baka~!”

(♂️) [mock-crying] “Worth it!”