Been meaning to2

I’ve been meaning to do a lot.

But meaning

ain’t movement.

It's like coloring,

without the lines.

I’ve got half-written songs,

and half-cleaned rooms.

That half-eaten leftovers,

I swear,

I’ll eat those soon.

There’s a to-do list,

in my head—

that is always

laughing at me,

in colorful

Post-it notes.

Been meaning

to clean.

To care more.

To finish.

To be better.

To feel enough to start.

I told myself

I’d wash that.

I’d check in.

I’d apologize.

I’d deal with my problems.

Yet—

they seem so full of life.

Don't they have better

things to do?

Same as me.

I ain’t lazy,

I’m just layered.

Worn down.

Stagnant.

Moving like a forgotten thought

inside a cluttered room.

Been meaning to,

and I still do.

But “meaning”,

don’t carry weight

like it used to.

Just like,

"I got you".

"Don't trip",

"I'm here".

But where's the follow up?

Sorry,

I've been meaning to,

walk out the front door

of my own skin.

I wake up and reset

but never reboot.

Even my prayers

got a loading screen.

And some nights,

I scroll more than I sleep—

like maybe I’ll find

a version of me

that made it through.

My mirror’s just a witness

to all the promises

I postponed.

Like:

I’ll try again tomorrow.

I’ll be better next month.

I’ll grow.

I’ll call.

I’ll show.

But I’m stuck

between who I was

and the ghost of who I wanna be.

There’s still love in here,

buried under the dust.

Still versions of me

waiting for updates

that never come.

So yeah,

I’ve been meaning to—

to become.

To rebuild.

To rise.

But first,

I gotta forgive the parts of me

that never got the memo.

It's time for me,

to get things moving,

Once again.

Even if it’s slow.

Even if I pause mid-step.

Even if “done”

looks a lot like “still trying.”