Conductor of the Poop Train

[Intro (Horns + Drums)]

[The Four bars of a classic ska horn stab riff — think "The Impression That I Get" but meaner.
Drums enter with a walking rim-shot pattern. Guitar upstrokes on the off-beat.]

[(Spoken, over the intro)]
"Attention all passengers. The next stop is… your spine. Please keep all limbs inside the vehicle. Or don't. I don't care."

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[Verse 1]
[(Clean vocals, almost cheerful)]

I woke up in a dumpster
With a smile and a plan
I found a rusty megaphone
And a half-dead also-ran

He said "where we goin', lady?"
I said "buddy, hold my hand —
We're headin' for the vault
But we'll kill everyone in this land"

[(Horn hit on "land")]

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[Chorus]

[(Full band, gang vocals on the last line)]

I'm the conductor of the POOP TRAIN! (TOOT TOOT!)
I'm the conductor of the POOP TRAIN! (TOOT TOOT!)
All aboard the meat express
Next stop — your face, I must confess
I'm the conductor of the POOP TRAIN! (TOOT TOOT!)

[(Horns play a descending melody that sounds like a train whistle going off the rails)]

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Verse 2

[(More aggressive, starting to crack)]

I traded my ticket punch for a buzz axe blade
I punched a hole in reason and a skag ate my grade
The passengers are screamin' but they're also in the stew
I asked for salt and pepper — they gave me part of you

[(Drum fill — floor tom triplets)]

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[Chorus (Repeat)]

[Same as above, but backing vocals add:
"CHOO CHOO, MOTHER—" (cut off by horn stab)]

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[Bridge (Tempo drops to half-time — Rocksteady groove)]

[(Aimee, almost whispering)]

They told me I was crazy
I said "define the word"
They said "you wear a face you skinned"
I said "that's the third one this week, you heard?"

[(Silence for one beat)]

[Aimee (screaming):]
"I'M THE CONDUCTOR OF THE POOP TRAIN — AND YOU'RE ALL JUST CABOOSE MEAT!"

[(Full band explosion back into tempo)]

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[Guitar Solo (Ska-Punk style)]

[16 bars. Clean tone, fast, slightly sloppy — like someone learned to play yesterday but means it.
Ends with a pinch harmonic that squeals into the next chorus.]

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[Chorus (Twice — faster, unhinged)]

[Tempo pushes. Drums switch to straight punk beat on the second repeat.
Aimee starts giggling during the horn hits.]

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[Outro (Chaos)]

[(Spoken, over a single repeating horn note)]

"You know what my favorite part of the ride is?"

[(Drum fill)]

[(whispered into the mic, then screamed):]
"The part where you beg."

[(One massive, distorted horn blast. Then silence. Then a distant "TOOT TOOT" on a kazoo.)]

2-Tone, Ska-Punk, female