Valentine's ad no surprises please

Valentine’s Want Ad (No Surprises Please)

by Robert Ramage

INTRO (spoken, crowd noise)

Alright Cupid… we gotta talk.

I ain’t asking for perfect…

Just no jump scares, no hidden DLC packages…

and PLEASE read the fine print.

VERSE 1 — The Catfish Classic

Profile says “angel,” halo shining bright

Show up at the bar — Lord, wrong human tonight 😄

Filters thicker than a double milkshake

I checked my phone twice like I made a mistake

She said “age is just a number,” I said “that’s true”

But when you’re older than my grandma — I’m confused about what to do

No hate here, just setting the scene

I ordered a date — not a time machine

CHORUS (BIG sing-along)

It’s a Valentine’s want ad — hear my plea

No surprises waiting for me

No plot twists hiding in disguise

Just honest love and honest eyes

Rock-and-roll mama, heart of gold

No extra parts I wasn’t sold 😄

Old-school man with a simple plan

Just one real woman holding my hand

VERSE 2 — The Instant Family Pack

She walks in smiling, looking divine

Seven kids behind her like a halftime line 🤣

Not ready for a date with a soccer team

That’s a lotta Happy Meals if you know what I mean

Respect the hustle, respect the grind

But Valentine’s night ain’t daycare time

One kid asked if I had snacks

Another tried to climb my back

CHORUS

It’s a Valentine’s want ad — loud and clear

Looking for love that actually appears

No drama bombs, no surprise shows

Just rock-and-roll love that naturally grows

VERSE 3 — The Wild Card Date

One showed up baked like a birthday cake

Forgot my name but ate my steak 😄

Another brought crystals to fix my vibe

Said Mercury’s mad — I said “join the tribe”

One girl said she likes whips and chains

Handcuffs too — I said “whoa, slow your reins” 🤣

I’m just here for dinner and a little romance

Not auditioning for a circus dance

VERSE 4 — The Coyote Ugly Morning

Ever wake up frozen, arm going numb

Thinking “Lord above… what have I done?”

That coyote-ugly sunrise glow

Makes you rethink everything you know 😆

Phone blowing up — wrong name saved

I quietly planned my great escape

Tiptoe ninja, shoes in hand

Praying Cupid understands

VERSE 5 — The Hopeful Twist

Yeah I laugh but I still believe

There’s a woman out there meant for me

No wigs flying off in a midnight breeze

Just honest laughter and chemistry

Rock-and-roll heart with a loving soul

Someone warm when the nights get cold

No surprises — just real and true

Maybe I’ve been waiting just for you

FINAL CHORUS (ARENA STYLE)

It’s a Valentine’s want ad — shout it loud

Looking for love that stands out in the crowd

Heart from heaven, wild but free

A little bit crazy — just like me

No plot twists, no disguise

Just a real good woman with fire in her eyes

OUTRO (spoken)

Cupid… buddy…

Next time — read the instructions.