Dim Lights and a Heavy Handshake

Verse 1
I walked into the neon glow, feelin' ten feet tall,
Just bought a brand-new cowboy hat at the local shopping mall.
I saw a blonde by the jukebox, standin' six-foot-three,
I puffed my chest, sucked in my gut, said, "She's the one for me."
I tapped her on the shoulder, said, "Can I buy you a round?"
She turned around and spit some chewing tobacco on the ground.
Chorus
Now I’m out here on the hardwood, completely out of luck,
Dancin' with a woman who is built just like a truck.
She's got bigger biceps, she's leadin' the two-step,
I thought I was a macho guy, but I'm in over my head.
Yeah, whether it’s a Brenda or a bouncer named Dan,
I’m pretty sure my dance partner is way more of a man.
Verse 2
She grabbed my hand to shake it, and my little knuckles cracked,
She said, "I'll take a double whiskey, and my name is Jack...ie."
We hit the floor for a slow song, I tried to pull her tight,
She lifted me right off the floor, man, I didn't put up a fight.
She whispered in my ear with a voice like Johnny Cash,
Said, "You're kinda cute for a little guy," then she slapped me on the dash.
Chorus
Now I’m out here on the hardwood, completely out of luck,
Dancin' with a woman who is built just like a truck.
She's got bigger biceps, she's leadin' the two-step,
I thought I was a macho guy, but I'm in over my head.
Yeah, whether it’s a Brenda or a bouncer named Dan,
I’m pretty sure my dance partner is way more of a man.
Bridge
Some guys would run away in shame and leave the bar behind,
But she just bought our fourth round, and I'm feelin' colorblind.
She can probably fix my carburetor and chop a cord of wood,
So I'm just gonna sit right here and act like things are good.
Outro
Yeah, she's got a thicker mustache... than my Uncle Stan.
Lord, she's way more of a man.
(Spoken to the music fading out)
Yeah, she carried me to my truck. Not in a romantic way, she just tucked me under her arm like a football.
Asked me if I needed help checking my oil. I said, "Yes, sir... ma'am... please."

Style: Comedic Acoustic Country)
(Upbeat, bouncy acoustic guitar intro)